After the 30
After you've done a 30...what next?
As part of my moderation process, I've had to take a good look at what drinking has been doing FOR me, why I've chosen to continue excessive drinking despite the negative effects. My strong opinion is that *every* behavior we do has a positive *intent*--that is, by over-drinking we are actually trying to do something GOOD for ourselves, to meet our needs in some way. I don't buy the demon-rum theory. There is no more power in alcohol than there is in a cheese sandwich, or in any other ingestible about which I have a choice. The power is in what the booze is *doing* for me.
Since my subconscious mind is trying to HELP me by pushing me to drink, it will not give up that behavior unless it has EFFECTIVE alternatives from which to choose. I also found that since I am stubborn as a mule, it won't do to *eliminate* drinking as a choice; if I do that, then I'm just going to get involved with the whole "rebellion, resentment and rule-breaking" thing. I simply need to *add* more choices to what I already have.
I'll show you what I mean. This is an actual process I went through with one of my biggest triggers.
TRIGGER: Getting home late at night from work, drinking to "decompress" and get to sleep. I invariably end up having "just one more," sometimes enough to get drunk.
1. What do I want in this situation?
I want to relax and to get to sleep quickly.
2. What am I getting out of drinking in this situation?
EtOH forces my muscles to relax and helps me get to sleep by depressing my central nervous system. I also love the euphoria and feel I deserve it at the end of a long day or a hard concert.
3. Do I WANT new behavior choices in this situation in ADDITION to drinking, so that I do not ALWAYS have to choose drinking?
Yes, very much so.
4. What are five new behaviors I could do instead of drinking?
a) I could drink "Sleepytime" tea. Does not work as fast as booze, but gentler on the body and no side effects. b) I know self-hypnosis; I could develop a self-hypnosis tool which would work as fast as booze to relax me...but then I wouldn't have the euphoria. :^( c) I could meditate. This would get me relaxed and produce a pleasant altered state. d) I could read. This often puts me to sleep at night. But no euphoria. e) I could take an antihistamine. This will make me feel warm, drowsy, slightly euphoric, and put me to sleep quite nicely. But I will wake up with a hangover.
5. Am I willing to add these behaviors to my list of choices in this
situation?
Not the antihistamine; it has the same side effects as liquor for me. Notice that I did not reject the idea out of hand. I wrote it down and considered it and *consciously* decided that I did not want it. For me, this is an important way of respecting the part of my brain that generates new ideas and behaviors. If I pooh-pooh and discount its ideas, it will stop generating them!
The other behaviors: Yes, with a caveat: I notice in answering the questions, that there are two important aspects to this trigger--getting to sleep, and the high. My new behaviors will work when the high is not important to me.
I see that I need to develop a new skill; deciding, when I get home, if I want to get high or if I just want to get to sleep. This sounds elementary and maybe a little stupid, but I think it's going to be necessary for me to change my behavior here. I see from my list that I can generate several ways to get to sleep, but there's no way to get the same high without drinking. However, one good thing that this process is doing right now is reminding me that alcohol is NOT a sleep aid, it's a *recreational drug* the point of which is to get high, and if I'm using it to get to sleep I am MIS-using it, actually.
My eventual decision was to separate the getting high from the sleep aid. Now, when I come home late and wired, I use my sleep-aid of choice (usually tea) FIRST, upon walking in the door. Before I go to work I make sure that the teakettle is full and there's a mug sitting on the counter with the tea bag already in it. I drink one or two mugs full of tea. THEN, AFTER the sleep thing is starting to be taken care of, I make a *conscious* decision...do I want to get high or not? Usually I don't care and I just relax and go to bed. Sometimes I want to and so I do, no regrets. But I find even then that one drink is all I want, after my body is relaxed from the tea.
Having positive goals has been one of the most important factors for me. Whenever I would think, "Gee, wouldn't a glass of wine (or 2, 3, 4...!!!!) be nice right now," I then say to myself..."Well, okay, but what are you going to be giving up in exchange??" In other words, what will I not be able to do if I drink too much???
I'll repost part of something I wrote last fall:
<<Bottom line is...every time you make a choice to say "yes" to something, you're saying "no" to something else. OBVIOUS, I know!!! (But it's sometimes the obvious that we overlook thinking it too simplistic.)
So, this applies to the choices we make about drinking as well. If we say "yes" to drinking (for those abstaining temporarily or permanently) or drinking immoderately, what are we saying "no" to?
Here are some of my answers:
1. Accomplishing what I want in life 2. Feeling physically well & my health & appearance in general 3. Having the time or inclination to do those things I used to enjoy (hangovers are a BITCH!!!) 4. Staying at my desired weight 5. Having energy 6. Being creative 7. Keeping a sense of humor 8. Concentration & focus 9. Self confidence & self esteem
These are a few of the things that come to mind that I'm saying "no" to if I choose to drink too much. Anyone want to add to the list?
Probably the early days of moderation are different for each person. I'm sure a lot depends on how long one has been drinking (i.e. how entrenched the habit), how well one has planned for moderation, how many other new behaviors one has begun, etc. For me, having alternate activities (begun while doing the 30 day abstention) was a key factor. Also, since I have been drinking irresponsibly for quite a few years, I knew that 30 days would not be long enough to make this habit just disappear. So, part of my plan was to abstain for a least 4 days a week (3 days being consecutive & at least 1 more being a Friday or Saturday). Now, I abstain much more often...sometimes for 1-2 weeks. Mainly I have eliminated drinking in certain circumstances that were "dangerous" for me in the past. I no longer drink in response to stress or frustration (biggies for me!!), to alleviate pain, or to aid sleep. For the most part, I limit my drinking days to social occasions.
If you don't moderate "perfectly," don't berate yourself. Some time ago, I read a good description of what change can be like. I'll quote it in full:
"You did not get stuck overnight. Life was not perfect one day & a horrible, ugly mess the next. You took your first detour a while ago, & it will take some time to wind your way back to the turning point that will take you to the road you want to travel. You may encounter your share of potholes, washed-out bridges, & fallen trees along the way, but you will be on your road & going where you want to go. You can get beyond those obstacles if you work at dismantling them. Be patient. Be resolute. Remember what stuck feels, looks & sounds like. Ask yourself if stuck is where you want to stay."--Dr. Sidney B. Simon, GETTING UNSTUCK: BREAKING THROUGH YOUR BARRIERS TO CHANGE
I might add that I think it's very important to have a positive goal towards which to strive as well. Wanting to get out of a negative pattern is a fine place to start, but it's crucial to know what you want. Just as when you decide to take a vacation & want to "get away"...you have to decide on a destination & then make specific plans on how to make the trip a reality.>>
Re your question about keeping wine in the house...I did NOT have it around in the beginning. Others feel that it's important to be able to have it in the house & still not give in to "urges." While I agree that this is something that must be faced eventually, I don't see any reason to make things more difficult than they already are!! Thus, it was many months before I kept it in the house. I do now (mainly because I use it in cooking), but I didn't start doing that until I had established other, GOOD habits to take the place of drinking.
Hope this helps! Give yourself time...practice & persistence will take you
where you want to go!!!
Well I think I did it! I was a 5 beer a day (average) drinker..couldn't seem to do anything aferwork without. I thought about it, I planned around it, etc. My wife insisted I had to get an assessment, which I did, and guess what the result was? Yep, you need to attend AA meetings, no alchohol, no communion, no NA beer, etc. etc. I asked the couselor about MM and this info I had found on the net (I ordered the book) she said every 3 years someone comes up with one of these crazy ideas, then it goes away for awhile. They don't work, etc. Well I agreed and gave in. I felt low and really didn't feel the need to admit defeat and to pray with others who don't believe as I do, but I agreed to do it. Just about then the book came and I was going to send it back but decided to read it anyway. Like all of you I said ya that is me...I can do this.
Well I did it. I went 30 days, I went another 30 days, even with my wife and couselor beating on me that I couldn't and shouldn't do it, I was an alcholic and that was it. I changed my routine, instead of coming home and grabbing a cold one, I started drinking sparkling water with lemon. No it wasn't real easy but I made the switch. I also prayed a lot ( I know some of you don't want to hear it) I prayed every night that I would see drunkeness as I a sin and that I could resist the urge for a strong drink. Since I was not supposed to have NA beer, I started thinking about having one and used that as a reward. I went a week and we went out to dinner I had 2 and boy did they taste good. I had tried before substituting NA beer for real beer but was still drinking the same amount and would eventually go back to regular beer. The key, I think is breaking the habit, and I had a very bad habit.
Anyway I had 1 beer the other night with my wife at a bar. I tasted good and I enjoyed it but that was it. The next night at home, I had my "charged water" again and since. I know I can now go out and enjoy a glass or 2 of beer but that has to be it. I believe we are creatures of habit (good and bad) and to truly get a handle on problem drinking you have to break the habit(s) first. By the grace of God I am proof of that.
Good luck to you all and God bless.
I. YOUR ATTITUDES TOWARD DRINKING
Looking forward to that first drink?
Scared to take it?
Do you even CARE anymore?
Are you finding it amazing how alcohol has faded into the background of your life after only a month without? Or is this the end of a month of torture for you? Something in between, perhaps?
How do you rate yourself, on a scale from 1 to 10, in the following areas, as of 1/1/2000 and as of 1/30/2000? (1 = dismal failure in this area; 10 = complete fulfillment in this area)
Physical Health
Mental Stability
Self-Control
Personal Responsibility
If you came into this program thinking you were an "alcoholic" according to
the 12-Step/Hazelden model, do you still think so? Why or why not?
If you came into this program thinking it was impossible to moderate your drinking behavior, do you still think so? Why or why not?
II. COPING WITH YOUR URGES
Were there any days when you weren't sure you would make it without taking a
drink? Which days were they?
Chart the days on your January calendar. Is there a pattern--daily, weekly, monthly? Is it related to anything cyclical in your life; cooking dinner, weekends, PMS (no joke) or otherwise?
Were there any one-time stressors that appear, from looking at your calendar, to have caused strong urges? Could any of *those* be grouped together? ("In-Laws," "Boss", "Mortgage" and so on?)
How long did the peak of the urge last, usually?
How strong were the urges on a scale of 1 to 10; 1 = not even a thought of drinking, 10 = physically picking up the bottle (glass, can)?
Did you take any actions to interfere with the urge? If so, what did you do? What was the effect? Was it more effective or less effective than you expected?
III. REACTIONS OF OTHERS
How did hosts, buddies, etc., react when you declined a drink? Was it as embarrassing as you had feared? What did they say, if anything? Did you tell any social-drinking friends that you were abstaining for a month? If so, did you get any positive reactions such as, "Wow, I should do that myself?" Did anyone put you down?
Had anyone pressured you to do something about your drinking? Did you tell that person you were not drinking this month? If so, what was their reaction upon hearing that you were going to abstain for 30 days? Upon hearing that you had, in fact, done so? Did your relationship with this person or these people change over the 30 day period? Was the change positive or negative?
Has anyone been openly supportive of your decision to moderate? Has anyone been openly critical? Has anyone surprised you by confessing that they think their own drinking might be a problem?
IV. MODERATION PLANNING
NB: This section is not intended to enforce By-The-Book (btb) moderation or, indeed, any particular plan of moderation. The moderation plan that works for you is the one that you will DO instead of just talking about it and wishing you had imbibed less, the morning after!
Do you have a plan for your moderation?
What will you be doing?
Does your plan have any hard and fast rules (such as, "No drinking before 7 PM")? Do you think you need such rules? Why or why not?
Have you planned in non-drinking days? Do you think you need to? If "yes," why and how many? If "no," why not?
Does your plan have realistic limits based on your individual tolerance? Will you be counting drinks or going by a feeling in your body, or both? Would you be willing to revise your limits downward if you find your tolerance has decreased considerably by virtue of 30 alcohol-free days? If not, why not?
Does your plan have any accountability built into it? Is there an MM
meeting in your area? Will you be checking in with the list, or with a
"moderation buddy?" (Hell, if Rosie O'Donnell can have a Chub Club, we can
do *that*!)
Do you have some sort of "crash guard" built in to warn yourself that you are backsliding? Is there some behavior that you know you *only* do when you are drinking heavily? (For example, finding your recycling bin overflowing; getting up late and hungover?) Can you "install" that as a failsafe to let you know you're going over boundary? Doing this can prevent a slip from turning into a disaster.
V. SELF-AWARENESS
Have you become aware, or increased your awareness of, any of the following
in yourself over the past 30 days:
Perfectionism
Difficulty Delaying Gratification
Other Compulsive Behaviors
Symptoms of Unstable Blood Sugar Levels
Unrealistic Expectations of Self and Others
All-Or-Nothing Thinking
VI. POSITIVE LIFESTYLE CHANGES
Have you started any Good Habits during your 30, such as exercise, better eating, better work habits, meditation?
Have you noticed some things you *just can't tolerate* anymore, which never bothered you before this 30?
How is your self-esteem compared to 1/1/2000?
How is your personal productivity? Many people are amazed at what they can accomplish during a 30, that seemed overwhelming or downright impossible before. Was this true for you in any way?
Has there been any change in your feeling of personal integrity? Do you feel that you can count more on yourself, to do what you say you will do?
VII. SELF-IMAGE
Do you consider yourself a moderate drinker?
How do you see alcohol fitting into the context of your life?
A few people have asked lately about others moderation experiences. The most I have to offer is that it's best to have the most in-depth plan that you can, based on what you've found out during your 30...
During my last one, after reviewing my problem areas & knowing several of my triggers & habit/automatic response things,
Some of my basics were:
No drinking & driving (had already been in place)
No drinking the day before a 'must go' (places I feel like I 'have to' or 'should' be - such as in-laws, etc.) event - instead use that as a day to plan for and FIND SOMETHING that I can enjoy about the event - moderate after I get home or the next day if I want.
No trigger drinking (anger, suddenly hub's gone, etc.)
No drinking during my old 'witching hour' - wait until later.
Don't start at the same time each time (to avoid setting up another 'witching hour'), but alter times of day, especially if consecutive.
Later on, I altered my plan & added:
No more than 2 days in a row.
Make sure that dinner is In Prep or ready to go Before starting - Definitely no more than 1 1/2 without starting to eat.
Being *honest* about my limit intention & if I was 'saying' 3, but 'thinking' anywhere in my mind 6, then don't drink at all, but consider that Something is going on (a new 'trigger')...
I had others, but don't right now remember them - many have become incorporated into my 'new habits' and I no longer have to 'remember' them, etc. they're new automatic response thoughts, etc... But anyway.
*****
As I went on, I altered & tweaked based on my experiences - what worked & what didn't, what became 'easy' & what was more difficult than I wanted to deal with, etc. Many of the old triggers disappeared & new ones surfaced and needed exploration. Some were the basis for additional rules, most didn't need them (since my overall 'no trigger' one)...
But knowing my 'rules' and following them worked. I didn't always follow them - but having them always there in the back of my mind at least kept me honest about what I was up to & went a long way toward staying 'in check' while I worked on 'what was left'. AND when I wasn't as in check as I wanted to be, I still carryed the knowledge and Belief that I WAS in control here! So I always knew I could change whatever it was that I didn't like as *Soon as I was Ready*!!!! (just needed more 'work' to get ready sometimes & with some areas!)
My last major area of 'wanting to numb out' (that I'm aware of so far) had to do with my relationship with myself <first> & some dealings w/hub & prefering to 'go away' rather than stay & figure out 'what' I was telling myself I 'wasn't doing right', etc...
I finally got to a point where I was ready to stay & find out (ran out of other stuff <g>) and instead of "know" that 'it's not necessary <to drink>' right then <trigger>, actually "prove" it to myself by working or 'living' through it - hence, this 30 & what's beyond.
What I've got are a few more areas that are disappearing as triggers & appearing instead as interesting tidbits of information & creativity. There may be more yet to come, I don't know - this is my journey...
What I've already added to my 'rules list' is to make sure this time to not allow my tollerance to build (much less frequency) and not become complacent about what my "real" thoughts are at the time when I want to drink... To make sure that all's well & in place to 'enhance' a situation or occasion rather than to 'stuff' or 'hide' something away - or at the very least, to be aware of the difference! If I DO decide to do that at any given point, it's NOT somewhere I would want to stay for any length of time!!!
I choose Clarity & Awareness for myself...
I will continue to mark my calandar when I do drink & note the amount. But in the coming weeks I plan on my close monitering to be my thoughts & feelings with more of an 'overall' look to make sure that drinking is keeping a back seat in my day-to-day (& week-to-week) life.
<deep breath> So, there's mine, past & present! Wish me luck! Happy Moderating to All!!!
Xxxx posted a query as to what our post 30 plans were, "more of the same old same old?", reminding us that this is the really important part. As this is my 2nd 30, couldn't agree with him more, as i quickly slid back into old habits after my previous 30. I don't really think that was a function of not having a "plan" last time, as i'd written out guidelines, limits and defaults if i lapsed. Rather, I think it was more of a function of not being truly committed to the plan, and perhaps even more importantly, not realizing just how easy it would be to fall back into old habits if I didn't renew my committment at least everyday, even every minute or second when temptations were there to break my limits.
So a different approach this time? Yes, although i've still written down limits and time goals(which by and large are less than the mm limits for the next 30 days); difference this time is i've thought through just how important this next period is, and i'm going to keep in mind how much better life is without alcohol playing such a dominant role in my everyday activity. I've got some new activities that I'm planning to pursue, and i really can't do them if i've been drinking, will require a clear head as they'll involve studying and learning new stuff.
Another difference, which i'm reluctant to post, but i'm thinking it, so i may as well get it out there--this is basically my last shot. I've been at trying to realize this goal for over 6 years, the last nearly 2 in MM. I've made progress, but as alluded to above, I've fallen back into old patterns all too easily. If I blow it this time, without major, positive steps forward, I'm going to have to seriously evaluate whether continued efforts are worth it, or whether i'm just kidding myself, and reluctantly or otherwise, perhaps follow audrey's path of "changing the goal". I know that's negative thinking, but it's a reality, so....
Anyway, we deserve all the backslapping and woohoos in the world for successfully completing our 30's(mines up on feb. 2), congrats to all you other folks out there that accomplished it, and/or whatever other moderation/abstinence goals you had lately. But Xxxx's right on the money, now's when the pedal reallly hits the metal, be ready for the voice when the sweet rationalization process starts all over again, reframe drinkings place as Xxx advised, visualize what it's like to be a moderate drinker like Xxx advised, do whatever you have to, but above all else, don't think that moderation is just going to happen now that you've completed a 30--life, and living with drinking in it, at least for me, doesn't work that way. Good luck to us all:-)